S W E E T it is to D I E

[Lassiel]

When life, as opening buds, is sweet,
And golden hopes the fancy greet,
And youth prepares his joys to meet,
Alas! how hard it is to die!

Her paws struck the ground at steady intervals as she climbed the steep land, wind whipping about her large body and howling in her ears. It seemed hours since Rhian had first begun her climb to the top of the plateau, but it did not bother her much. For a strange and inexplicable reason, the cream furred lioness was actually happy. It really was an amazing feat, due to her sudden changes in mood and temperament--but the girl was determined not to let it go to waste. Although young, she was well aware of the roller coaster feelings she was cursed with, and she knew to appreciate the good ones when they showed themselves. As she climbed, the struggle of her life was easily seen, though it was through no fault of her pride. No...it was by her own choice that Rhian wandered the lands alone, often starving herself when the darkest of moods took her. In those times...she hated life, the world, and everything thing in it. She hated the brightness of the sun and despised the black night. But most of all, the young princess hated herself--the way she looked, felt, talked...yet there was nothing she hated more than her origins. And she never knew what to believe. For instance, at this very moment the girl whole-heartedly believed Truth, her adopted father, loved her. But more often than not, the terrible idea that he hated her filled Rhian's mind.

But at this wonderful, precious moment, such dark thoughts did not dart their way through her head, and she climbed peacefully, if a bit tired. Always a testament to her life, ribs and other bones stuck a little too far out of her form, and though her body was naturally slim, Rhian was a bit too thin to be deemed healthy. Hooded eyes flicked to the side now and then, not willing to be caught unprepared like she was last time. Besides, she was no where near her own pride, and though she seldom spent time with them, the Alethea still meant safety. But then....her darker side might just welcome another pride coming to her, would perhaps egg them on until they found it too much and just wanted to get rid of her.

The change in mood was sudden and swift--like a storm suddenly sweeping over the area. And as if it was being summoned by her emotions, dark clouds could be seen rushing toward Paiwu, soon to cover the ground with shadows and pounding rain. A saner creature would have found shelter immediately upon noticing the oncoming storm...but Rhian was not always in her right mind, and the joyous mood from before had evaporated. The clouds covered the sky above, and with only a few rolls of thunder as warning, sheets of rain were suddenly hitting the ground. The steep sides were almost instantly unclimbable as the hard dirt turned into slick and dangerous mud, and with no where else to go, Rhian resolutely sat down, head bowed against the onslaught.

Cold rain soaked the girl to the bone, even getting through her thick fur to her skin. Water dripped from her muzzle and small ears, though it couldn't be seen in the pounding rain. yet she was nearly unaware of the state of her body at the moment, and probably would not care if something happened to her. In stark contrast to the beginning of her climb, Rhian's mind was now filled with dark thoughts, chasing each other around and making her all the more depressed. She was nothing more than an unwanted child. No...she was nothing. Her brother, at least, could mess with the lives of others for pleasure, but she--she did not have the looks, the personality, to command the attention of another. No. She was useless and did not deserve life. A groan escaped her lips, and without a thought, Rhian slid to the wet ground, not caring about the mud that stained her legs and stomach.

When trembling limbs refuse their weight,
And films, slow gathering, dim the sight,
And clouds obscure the mental light,
'Tis nature's precious boon to die!

[brook]

You don't know what it's like to be me... to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark...

[/size]


Kalu attempted to climb the muddy hill, a half eaten zebra in his maw. He had refused to let the vultures have it for themselves, for he needed it to survive. He had nobody, nobody to love, nobody to sooth at night. And why is that Kalu! His mind scolded him. And he knew very well why that was. He had raped and Innocent female. He doesn't quit remember what happened that day, or why he did it. All he knows is he minds well have been on some drug so he would have had an excuse to tell his beloved mate of his unworthy choice. Abeni had shunned him before he could even explain, shunned him out of her life, but he had left the pride, partly to not ashame Abeni or his two cubs in anyway. Now he was long gone from Shujaa Pride territory, but he still held the burden on his shoulders. He didn't want to feel this way. But not only had he ruined one life, but 6 lives. Abeni, his two cubs, the female he raped, and her cubs. He wished he could just die slowly right where he stood, maybe then he could give his life up for the lioness that would always be in his mind, thoughts, soul, and heart....Abeni. He had snapped her heart in millions of pieces, he had seen by the look on her eyes when he had confessed. But that was in the past now, and he was lonesome again, like he was 2 years ago, before he had bumped into Abeni

Kalu let out a frustrated, muffled roar as he slowly slid down the hill, his claws desperately trying to find a grip on the earth underneath the mud. Rain beat on him like a rhythm as he attempted to climb up. His fur was soaked, and the rain and begun to sink slowly to his skin, making him shiver. He growled as he looked at the animal in his maw. It was half eaten and soaked, and knew that unless you were starving, nobody was going to eat this nasty thing. But he knew somewhere out their, there was a starving lion, and he was determined to prove that he was not evil, that he had merely...lost it. The guy who raped that female 2 years back, was not the same guy standing in the rain, a wet animal clamped in his jaws. He was desperate for someone to talk to him, someone to not care the he had flaws too. Everyone in the world seemed know what he had done, even the animals that don't speak the same tongue as him seemed to know, so they simply avoided him as he walked past them, as if he were merely the gentle breeze ruffling their fur. He was indeed a nobody. If he just disappeared, nobody would notice, nobody would care. He was alone and depressed, and the only one that would care that he was gone, were the vultures that followed him to eat his left overs.

Kalu finally managed to climb up the hill, his legs and underbelly soaked in mud, but he still held the prey tightly in his jaws. As he neared the top, his gaze suddenly fell on the lone lioness. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't make out why. He scanned her up and down, and then realized how skinny she was. His eyes slowly moved to look at the zebra in his jaws and then he walked closer to her, his body slipping in the mud. He walked slowly in front of her, his eyes up and alert. Her face... it was so familiar, so frightening to say the least, but he couldn't put his paw on it. He shook his mane, trying to rid the rain that had gotten lost in it. He set down the zebra slowly in front of her and took a few steps back, slipping a few more times. But the once friendly Kalu didn't show this time, this time he didn't smile kindly, didn't show emotion. He sat down slowly, his ears falling with the rain. He did not speak, but sat there, his face showing not a drop of emotion, almost as if he was a breathing robot. All you could hear as the rain feel on him was his steady breathing. He slowly lie down, his gaze never leaving off of the lioness. His brown gaze shone with depression, hurt, confusion..pain. He had never felt so alone in his life, but here he was, staring at a random lioness, trying to figure out why she was so familiar.

Who's fault is it that your alone Kalu? Who let a beautiful lioness slip through his paws? Who raped a female with a cold heart Kalu? His mind seemed to taunt him, and he wanted to just fall apart, to just die, but he was still on this earth because everyone wanted him to suffer, everyone wanted him to feel the pain the female had when he had raped her. They wanted him to die a miserable death, and then watch in pure mercy as someone he loved so dearly, turn to dust right in front of him, that was the only reason he was still here. If he was to get in a wildebeests way, and it was to kick him in the chest, he would lie in the grass, wounded, bleeding. But no vultures would come and kill him, no other lions, no. He was meant to be here meant to suffer. He was meant to feel the pain of his broken chest in the grass, then he was meant to heal to find himself causing more pain to his body, just because his ancestors wanted him to feel the pain. They wanted him to beg for mercy, for forgiveness. But by this point, Kalu was sure that they wouldn't even accept that. They wanted him to feel pain for a reason. They wanted him to starve for a week and then catch a zebra, but never die, they wanted him to feel like the world was crashing down on him. And that was all he is in the world for.

No, you don't know what it's like.
Welcome to my life.[/size][/center][/blockquote]

[charli2008]

OOC: Hey, Angel! I wondered where Kalu was! Has he left Abeni? I'm confused.

[Lassiel]

O that this too too solid flesh would melt,

Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.

Or that the Everlasting had not fixed

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God, O God,

How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

The rain slammed into Rhian where she lay with her feminine head on the ground. Her cream body was no longer lightly colored, but now dark with water and mud. Nearly orange gaze started listlessly into the dismal surroundings, not really seeing anything--as if she could in this weather. But she did not care--did not care about anything, really. Were a pack of hyenas to come upon the pathetic, mud-splattered form, they would be a given a quick meal without any struggle. And she would almost welcome that oblivion, even with the pain and terror that would accompany it. Even the lives of those beasts were worth more than hers—a lioness without a father or a mother…homeless…alone, so alone. At tiny voice in the back of her mind, scorning Rhian for how pathetic she was, for how she let her depression control her life. Like those words did any good…she even hated herself, it seemed. Thunder boomed about her, but she did not notice or care. What was the point? Lightning flashed overhead now and then, but why should she even bother to look for cover? Surviving, living, was pointless. Sooner or later they would all be buried in the grave, covered in the dirt and beset by worms….why not now? So easy…it would be so easy to just lie there and let the mud spread over her body…to just give in.

Dark, dismal thoughts continued to swirl around her, and even though her eyes noticed the male suddenly standing before her, as wet and wretched looking as herself, her mind failed to register him. The mangled carcass of a zebra fell to the ground in front of her, the sound of it settling onto the wet earth concealed by the pounding of the rain and other noises of the storm. Her disinterested gaze flickered to the striped beast, her form as unmoving as the torn body. If that could but be me. The zebra’s life was finished, its purpose, whatever it was, fulfilled. She had no purpose though—perhaps if the zebra’s fate could be hers, there would at least be a reason in her death. But that would not be happening anytime soon, unless this new lion wished to end Rhian’s life for her. But no, it seemed every other beast placed sacredness on life that she did not share. She doubted this one would be any different. See! Even now he was lowering himself to the ground. Confusion traced her mind for a moment as the stranger continued to stare at her. Why was here? Did he actually care? The lone spark of hope in her heart was quickly crushed as her gaze searched his. No. He was just another soul. Another one just like her. He did not care. If anything, he was just looking for someone more miserable than he—an unsuspecting girl he could torment to lift himself up.

A scowl crossed Rhian’s face and she slowly pushed herself to her feet. The entire underside of her body was brown with mud and the rest of her pelt was drenched with rainwater, but she held herself defiantly. Even though she probably deserved whatever he thought of her, Rhian at least had enough pride left not take it from some new comer who knew nothing of her! The eyes she looked at him with were fierce, but tired and pain-filled. Just leave me alone… Watching him, waiting for him to speak, to throw hate-filled words at her and laugh as she cringed beneath them. For Rhian knew, even with all the show she was putting on now, it wouldn’t take long for her to crumble beneath a true assault. She…wasn’t strong, in any way. Weakness…that was a word that described her in every way. She was weak in all she did—in her feelings, in her beliefs, in her actions…everything. It wouldn’t take a genius to realize that, and obviously this male had noticed it quickly. What did it matter that grief could be seen in his eyes as well? That the same hurt and confusion whirled in his gaze as if a hurricane brewed beneath? When had anyone in the world ever shone her kindness? Truth…she was convinced he only acted that way in order to make up for what he failed to do. And the other one, her real father…that didn’t even need mentioning. Narati…Mother…Rhian was but an unwanted child to her. And her own brother was barely around. No. She was utterly alone.

As the silence stretched between them, Rhian grew fidgety. What was he waiting for? Did he want her to break down into tears or something? She blinked quickly, attempting to keep the falling rain out of her eyes, though it did little good. Finally, patience worn thin by his continued silence, Rhian opened her mouth, tones tense and sharp. What do you want? That was all she said, not intending to greet or give out a name to one who’s only purpose could be to hurt her. What did she do to deserve this? Was it just the tragedy of her birth that made such a life her fate? It…had to be, because if not, she would truly be left out in the world alone. To her knowledge, Rhian had done nothing to bring such a fate upon her—the only explanation could be that her life had been a mistake from the beginning. Which was true in every way.

[brook]

You don't know what it's like to be me... to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark...

[/size]

Kalu stood up as the young female stood up and spoke, and his heart began to pound slightly as he realized who she looked like.Narati, the female he had raped. This might be your kin Kalu.. His mind whispered, and the large brute took a step closer to the female, his face still showing little emotion. I mean no harm. I am Kalu He said, his voice was plain and boring, and his eyes danced with pain and grief. He didn't like telling other people his name, it seemed they all knew. Oh your the one that raped that female, then she died. It was the worst thing to say to lion lion that was already in pain. His heart slowed down and he sat down. He let out a sigh and stood up once more, his shoulders slouching. He hated life, and wished he would just vanish in thin air. His gaze burned into the female and his mind raced with the words that would soon come. Some people gave him calm, surprised reactions, while others did back flips and began to yell in his ears. Like he didn't feel bad enough! Everyone in his life seemed to be their to criticize him, well he was sick of it, and if he had anyway, he would tell the world he was sorry, then maybe then he would be aloud to die.

He aloud his ears to twitch, but he stood still, staring at the female, gazing at her. He couldn't believe what he had done. And now he had brought life into the world that didn't have a father! His eyes filled with anger and he turned around, his tail lashing Great Job Kalu! He said ruffly, his eyes watering slightly. He hadn't meant to say it out loud, but his pain had to come out at one point. He fell to the ground, mud splashing everywhere. He slammed his head down on to his paws and buried his face in them. Tears mixed with the rain as they rolled down his wet face. He wanted to die, to melt with the mud as it would harden the next day, but his life wasn't that fair. If he ran into a man with a gun, and was shot in the chest, he still would be here. He whimpered to himself, then slowly stood up, his legs shaking. He slowly turned around, his eyes read with grief, and his chin dripping with mud. He slowly walked closer to the lioness, but still kept his distance. I'm sorry He said, his voice a whisper. He had never felt so small, so helpless, as he looked at his kin. She was here because of his careless act. He let out a sigh, and sat down on his haunches, his eyes filled with pain and pure hurt. He didn't know how to show her he meant it, but it never hurt to try.

Kalu sighed and looked around, his mind whirling. He would have said his sorry's and have been on his way, but the female looked like she needed help.. his daughter, if he was thinking correct. He was sure it was his daughter, she was so familiar it wasn't even anything to laugh about. She was a striking image of her mother, and that only made Kalu's heart sink lower. He looked into her eyes, and he forced a crooked smile form on his face. He wanted her to know, that if he was her father, which he was sure he was, that he would always be there for her if she needed it, but Kalu knew she probably would want him gone away from her and out of her life, and he understood that completely. He was getting ahead of himself, he didn't even know if this female was his daughter, he was just guessing by her comparison to Narati. He shook his head, his mane fluffing out slightly, but then it was forced down by the pounding rain. Lightning lite the sky, and for the first time, Kalu got a good look at the female. She was very skinny, and he hoped that she would eat the zebra he had offered her. He was scary how skinny she was, he had never seen anything that skinny, even the dead animals that he found laying around the lands.

Kalu sighed as his mind drifted to Abeni, then oddly over to Narati. Narati was a beautiful female, and she was indeed something that a lion would be proud. Thats what her mate was have felt... proud of her. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, but his mind slowly drifted back to Abeni, and her face when she had told him the news. He had shattered her, and he wished he could prove to her how much he truly loved her, but he didn't know how else to express it, for he had tried ever way he could, but nothing worked. He hadn't seen her in two years, and he wondered for a moment if he should go running back to her, maybe, just maybe, her anger toward him had turned into worry and she had missed him. He shook his mane a jumped as thunder boomed in his ears. He sat back down and let his fur lay flat again as he looked at the female. He wanted to get to know her, maybe she wouldn't care about his flaws, his daughter or not. He sighed and lie down in the mud, water dripping from his chin. He didn't know why eh was here, and may never know. But he had a feeling that this is the female he would have to apologize to, in order to get his old life back
No, you don't know what it's like.
Welcome to my life.[/size][/center][/blockquote]

[Lassiel]

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

Mean no harm? You harm me by just being here and not letting me end this miserable existence some luckier souls call life! The name he gave flew right over her, so despairing and angry were her thoughts. Did she care that he seemed to be at the end of his ropes? No. No matter what misfortune had come to him, she refused to believe that it was worse than her lot. As far back as she could remember....the same thing always happened. She could be the happiest cub in the pride, and then it would all come crashing down for no reason, leaving her angry and depressed. Oh, she heard the whispers around her when the incidents became more and more common. They said she was insane, or possessed. It was as if there were two of her, they said. A depressed one and a joyful one--there was seldom any in between. She scowled as he hit the ground, wishing the man would just leave. No, she didn't want his damn zebra--there's a reason she was the only member of her pride in such a state. She did it to herself.

But it was obvious the lion wasn't moving anytime soon, and with a frown, Rhian spun away, slipping in the mud. Her claws dug in, trying to find traction in the driving rain but having little luck. Yet despite the noise coming from the storm, she caught his whispered apology, and turned, looking at him incredulously. Why...is he sorry? ...What is this one's name again? Oh yes...Kalu, that's what he said... She had heard it before...from where? Probably when she was too depressed to remember anything and one of the pride members mentioned it. And then, like a sudden light in the clouds, she remembered the name. Her heart stopped, her breath, the world, time itself. All she knew was the creature that lay before her...Kalu...her father. She felt...sick...angry...happy...How could she feel so many things at once? Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth, her mind completely blank. What do you do, what do you say when the one who made your life so horrible stands before you? This was the one who raped her mother, who kept Rhian from being Truth's daughter. He...destroyed Narati's life, and made his own daughter an unwanted girl only to be pitied.

And now he lay before her, looking to be a broken man. Forcing herself to speak, to say something, her mouth opened, then hesitated. Finally, she managed to croak out one word. Why? Her entire body trembled, eyes shining with who knew what. And then it was as if that one question released a torrent of emotions, and she snapped, as she so often did when under stress. She lunged forward, eye blazing with hurt and anger, a snarl coming from her lips. Why the hell did you do that?! What gives you the right to destroy a family like that, to destroy their lives?! Her breath was ragged, and her weak form shook with emotions and stress. She looked about to collapse from exhaustion. Yet she continued. Nothing! The word was spat from her lips, and she spun away from him, pacing back and forth. Her chest heaved, paws hitting the ground in a rapid tempo. One paw caught a rock, and in her weakened state, she stumbled, falling to the ground. Sobs suddenly broke out, harsh and uncontrollable. Eyes shut tight against the world, she desperately wished it all away. What you can't see won't hurt you. The words ran over and over in her mind, chanting them, holding on to them like there was nothing else. She was a child again, shutting her eyes against the monsters in the closet, under the bed. Because everyone knows if you can't see them, they can't see you. They aren't there, and so can't harm you.

The rain beat down on her bedraggled form, tears mingling with water until you couldn't tell the difference. Dark mud stained her light cream coat nearly everywhere now. With the fur sticking to he skin like a glove, ribs and other bones could be seen, shadows underneath them. Her mind was in turmoil. How dare he say he was sorry?! And yet...surly he must feel some remorse...She didn't know if she should hate him or pity him. Or if she should just be happy that she was meeting her father. Completely unexpectedly, she wished for her brother's presence, simply because he would be sure of his feelings and thoughts, would know exactly what to do. But the chances of him coming upon them were slim.