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[her]

The dry, warm nights were cruel to the female and her young. Shelter wasn't easy to find and water was scarce. Her little ones were strong though. The small family was weak, tired, and hungry. Deimos had left her. He'd either died or wasn't happy with her and just left. Nkira didn't think he was mad at her or she wasn't good enough but all she was worth worrying about was the cubs. His blood ran in their veins. One of these days she was going to die. She hoped it wasn't soon. Just long enough for her cubs to learn and survive on their own. Nkira had no part in thinking Deimos wasn't going to be here. It made her incredibly sad. Though through everything, she still had no hate toward her mate. She loved and missed him dearly. Nkira only wished to see his gentle face once more. To let the cubs get to know their sire more. They'd only met him once.

As the sun beat down on her pelt, Haydor and Nikita padded underneath what little belly she had. Her eyelids fought the need for sleep as she carried on. A tree was in slight as she looked ahead and a maybe three zebras not far away. Nkira's ears flicked in an instance and spirit. She slowed her pace slightly and whispered to her cubs to go find a safe place to hide and stay there. Her head shook and her body inched closer to the ground. Crawling into the long, dead weeds, she stayed quiet and alert. When the animal turned and swished it's tail, she made a leap. Of course she didn't weight much and it didn't take much power to throw her off but the zebra was old and slow. Naturally when she landed upon his rump, his hind went crashing to the ground but his two front legs supported his head. He struggled but Nkira had already latched onto his hide and refused to let go. When he went limp, she grabbed his neck and snapped it in two.

Tired and sore, she called softly to her youth and perked a smile when they came out of the bush slowly. They were eating meat now, thankfully. She sighed and drug the meal to the shade of the tree and laid down. Her eyes watched the two little ones rip at the black and white flesh as she placed her head upon her paws. Her ears were perked for the steps of Haydor and Nikita when they were done. They'd curled up in a cool spot under the tree as she licked the meat. She ate until she could no more. All three bellies bludged happily as they rested together. There wasn't much left-overs so she didn't have to worry about anything other male or pack bothering them for what was left. Safe and sound, they slept. Happy and finally content.

[Vox]

Cubs...They really were a blessing to the planet. Joyful, filled with unexplainable cheer and always happy to see you. Then...They grew up. Experience taught Sileree that first impressions were rubbish. Everybody could put on a good face for the neighbors, heck, she was an expert on it. But there were only a handful of lions and lionesses who would be there for you when you needed them. Like Thorn. A heartache filled her chest, and she nearly gasped with pain. Throat tightening uncontrollably, she felt a sob rise in her. It breached lamely, coming out as a half warble. Sniffing loudly, she let the single tears trickle down her delicate features and drop onto the soft ground of the marsh. Pulling herself together, she shook her head and sniffed once more. Thorn was in Eiroka, and she was where she belonged. In Kinamasi. It had been silly, perhaps, to believe it would have worked out between her and him. He was young, and still had his life to lead. She was...

Maybe she deserved a second chance. Nkira had, after all, been in love when she had made a horrible impression on Sileree. And the dancer cat had been very different back then. Oh so long ago...It had all seemed so much easier back then. So much simpler. Not more pleasant, but more rhythmic. Even in the steady pain that had dulled her eyes, and her senses. " Remember what you did to you children! You can never forget...Never forgive yourself...Never forget...Never forgive. Not ever. " Her heavy paws danced their long, slow strides across the boggy land. It was neccesary to pad in such a way that a patch of grass didn't give way under her weight. Although she was too thin to have much an impact anyway. Sileree was, once again, the picture of emaciation. As she moved smoothly across the land, her back one horizontal line. Legs; thin, stomach; empty, cheeks; sunken. It was hard for her to catch prey these days. She seemed weaker than before. Was it her age catching up to her? No. She was only four and a little bit. But it seemed now, that she had wasted her life. It had been one long line of heartbreak, sorrow, disappointment and suspicion. Was it finally time to settle down and have more children? Her mind blared like an out-of-control alarm, " NEVER FORGIVE, NEVER FORGET... NEVER FORGIVE NEVER FORGET!!! NOT EVER. NEVER. EVER. FORGET WHAT YOU DID, WHAT THEY DID, WHAT HE DID, WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!! " A shudder took her, but she bit her lip and kept herself upright. The demons would not catch her. She did not feel fear. She was not afraid. The dark was something she had been born in, and she had spent her whole life in search of the light. No. She had been born in the light, and fallen into dark. Fallen? No..She had jumped. Sileree had seen the whole, and grinned as she plunged deeper and deeper into the sunken pit of darkness. Now she was crawling to the edge. Hoping, praying that it would all be better.

Eyes welling with unshed tears, she sat down hard and rocked back and forth. Silent sobs, dry and unaccompanied by sound moved her in steady spasms. Her face was bridled with misery. Her ears were flat and her usually calm face was crinkled with inner agony. Her head screamed, and the suppressed, opressed and squished part of her yelled in fury. Why? Why?! "WHY?!" The sound was ripped from her already furiously tight throat and she roared at the sky. It wasn't fair. It was NOT the way things were supposed to work. She was supposed to live happily ever after, she was supposed to have children and go back to Thorn. Pregnancy was supposed to be a joy, and being married was a good thing. Right...? " Mother...I need you. Why did you leave us? We needed you so badly...Truth felt so guilty, Hathor became a punk, Dancer cried all day, Dad got tough...And I...What curse did you lay upon me, again? I feel the pain in the world...But why not the happiness? Why can't I feel the joy of all the mothers giving birth now? Why can I hear their broken screams, as they die birthing the fruits of their loins? I hate it. I didn't ask for it. I don't want it. I don't need it. " It's funny, really. That ones first intention, their first impressions and first experiences are always the most twisted, and incorrect. Sileree thought bitterly. She had always told herself to 'deal with it'. That was what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to deal with it, move on, get over it. But it had come back, when she had supposedly 'dealt with it'. Moving on didn't seem to be an option. And now; breakdown. Breathing slowly, forcably and in a trained fashion, the lioness closed her eyes and relaxed her contorted profile. Inhale, exhale...In, out. Breath, just breath...Good. A sigh shook the ground under her, and she opened her gold eyes and pulled out the logic she had hidden. This happened alarmingly frequently with her. She fell apart, usually with Thorn, then reassembled as quickly as she could. But Thorn was not here. She had left him. They had been together for nearly a year, and it surprised her. 'The breakup' has always been glorified.

You've been told it is either easy, or extremely difficult. It's neither. Not in this case, anyway. Sileree thought it was the equivalent of sawing off her legs. All of them. Thorn had loved her, and she him. But it wasn't enough. He was probably still sleeping, where she had left him. Sleeping peacefully and thinking that he would wake up and see his beloved snuggled next to him. That was the way it was supposed to go. And it was the way she wanted it to go. She wanted a family. She wanted to be happy with Thorn. Such a handsome guy, too. A small smile pulled, unexplicably, at her wet face. He was as good a man as any gal could wish to find. But...That Raine...She had pulled them apart. Was he still in love with her? Was that what had kept him from paying full attention to Sileree? " Now you're being selfish, Ree. Everybody has a first love. You did, and he violated you, right? What if she had hurt him similarly? And you're giving him a hard time? It's hypocrisy, darling. " Now the only thing left, was to settle down and go back to him. The doubt drained away, and she was left feeling extremely fickle. How could she simply scream at the sky, and then smile. Was she so unpredictable...? No. The sorrow had not left. She had merely warded it off. A dark sigh rattled the air and she walked on. A friend...Anyone. Anybody that wasn't family. She wanted to talk. To have a shoulder to offer, and a shoulder to have for comfort. That was what friends were for, right? She had never had much time for them. Tough-face was hitched high now, and she moved again. Her rear was covered in dry marsh grass, and she picked it off as she began to traverse the lands. Eiroka was this way, anyway. A little bundle that grew larger as she approached was directly in front of her. Well well..What had she here? Nkira and her two whelps, eh? Toughie said to wake them up, Ree said to kill them, but another voice said that they might approve of some protection. Padding slowly forward, Sileree sat again.

With her back to them, she became the Sentinel and eyed the setting sun with a hidden desire to become one with it. Nkira may not have liked her, but then again...Sileree had not liked Nkira. Would the rather pugnacious lioness attack? She did have cubs, after all. After Deimos had left though, she might have turned more docile. Perhaps she could contract one of her brothers to look after her for a while...Hath was hitched, although Angel had been acting strange. Truth liked Asaki, for reasons best known to himself. Eddie was a possibility though...Sileree continued to think of a possible guardian, and she watched the sun set. Ears pricked forward and eyes misted over in thought. Yes...Match-making was a disgusting business, and she tried not to delve into it. But this was not the same. The lass was weak, physically that is, and her cubs were no better off...Cubs. Fear shot into Sileree and she edged away from the sleeping children. She didn't trust herself. She had promised not to trust.
|ooc| : -cough- Looks like my Sileree muse has returned...Although the quality is pathetic...-glower-

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