This is no place to try and |live| my life [open]

[akasha]

And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

The hot, stuffy air was kicking away the sand at my feet, a feet that was rarely uncommon. It only fueled what I'd been harboring, growing through me; a dangerous poison, a snake coiling its victim. It consumed what happy thoughts I had, smothering them in a harsh sandstorm of deception and anger.. A socialist, flung into the most deserted place, an outcast in a world I did not belong. The beast inside me stirred happily at my own depression. It fed off my anger and pain – biting off bits of my soul each day. Confusion and anger rushed through my veins, spilling over the edges and staining my heart and poisoning my soul with a dark tint. I was a black hole that devoured anything in site. I was the abyss that was a mystery to everyone and did not feel pain for my victims. I was a blank life, forced to walk in a world full of lies and hate. The beast snarled inside me; its inward words were dark and strong. I’ve grown used to it. The beast is my own burden to pay. I created it, and now it has taken over my life. I must live with another half trying so desperately to change who I am. It swam in the depths of my memories, shoving them all away into the darkest corner of my mind. It laughed as I tried to call them back out, but the memories cowered in that dark corner; leaving me with no good thought to cling to. It began to speak to me, its rumbling voice clearing my mind of all thoughts and wishes. It was trying to come out, to leave the part of my body I had kept it in. Many times before the beast had tried to break the barrier I had created; the barrier of emotion and little thoughts that kept it closed in its glass bottle. It was stuck there.

”Mommy..?” I remember that day. I remember being so cold and lonely, standing beside a golden clump of motionless fur. Watching, waiting for it to take a breath or move. It never happened. The air smelt of dismay and a putrid stench that made the rest of the pride stalk away; a scent I was not familiar with at the time. A smell I did not want to know. I had repeatedly shoved my face in the soft pelt, my body silent shaking with invisible tears. “mommy, wake up.” I had looked with pleading eyes at the body before me. She was so cold, so limp. Her body lay in a position that made me want to hurl up my last meal. Her face was frozen in a pain that she no longer felt, and the gash on her side bled freely; staining the beautiful gold pelt in a dark crimson. I didn’t dare look at anything but her face. I might have thrown up for sure. I was young and scared, and completely confused. I had witnessed a horrible event, and wasn’t sure why it happened. Mommy had tried to protect me from the lion who called himself our leader, just like the gazelle protect their fawns from our family. A darkness had clouded my heart – as though the night sky had taken upon itself to cover me in an eternal black. A forever black that bled onto my heart just like the rage and anger did. And my mother wasn’t waking up. She was as still. Too still. And she reeked of that potent scent that soon spread across the savannah. I had refused to believe she was dead. I wouldn’t think it. I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. I might have been in denial, but I did not want to live on with my hell hole of a life with the tugging burn of pain that became fresh every time I thought of her. “m-mommy…” I watched as bald headed demons flew in from the abyss above us. They tried to pick at my mothers body. Loss...agony...it mangled every bit of guilt I had. I'd watched her go, watched her slip away where the living could not go, yet I had not seek revenge. That fact alone burned within my soul, a hot ember upon the driest of grass, poison within my bloodstream... Her breath, her soft pelt that I'd grown accustomed since I was birthed, the parent that guided me through my playfighting, encouraging me to strive for the left blow...gone. A ravaged break within my heart. The birds screeched, but I was frozen. Still as death itself. My chest burned and screamed with a murderous cry. I had stopped breathing; my breath caught in my throat. My lungs pounded desperately. Blood raced through my ears, and I heard the inner scream of my body. A vibrating cry sliced through the air like a claw raking a flank, and I had sucked in a harsh breath and let it out. My body settled down once air refilled, but I had quickly whipped around to stare over the grass at the rest of the pride stalking away in the grass. Why didn’t they care? Why was no one trying to help my mother? I remember sitting beside her body, fighting off the demon creatures with all my might to preserve my mother. My heart was broken in two by that point, and the ragged edges of both sides kept tearing at my soul and ripping bits off of me. The wind sang its cold lullaby that night, while the savannah fell in a hushed whisper.

My heart felt like a soul screaming for help. And the soul was being dragged from purgatory, purchased by the devil himself.

A plate of fear was delivered directly to my door step, and I seemed to devour it whole. The beast did not like fear over taking its domain, but it failed when it tried to shake the emotion off; but it clung to me like a tick to its host – a thief of life itself. There was a point when I felt like the beast was gone, hidden beneath me much like when the sun cowers in fear behind the moon. But now, as my paws leave temporary marks within the sand of these lands, I can feel the beast stirring restlessly behind my carefully made wall. My fiery eyes lifted up off my paws as I aimlessly wandered forward. What my eyes fell on made me stop in my tracks. Confusion as sharp as a cubs tooth dragged through me, and the beast fell silent. My head cocked to the side lightly, and my eyes fixed on a... oasis? My tail lashed back and forth, and I feared my mind way playing useless games with me. Unconsciously, I shook my head ridding annoying flies, but when my focus came back onto the mass of greenery, I felt my heart skip enthusiastically. A tentative paw reached out, taking my body with it. My paws often had a mind of their own, and took my body and mind to places where they pleased; whether or not I wanted to go.
The oasis was gorgeous. I could not tell how big the oasis its self was, but what I did know was that the small indent in the sand with a crystal clear liquid in it caught my attention. I’m not sure if it was the water that dragged me towards the sparkling waters, or the whispers in the air that seemed to call my name in angelic voices. Once more, my paws led me to the edge of the water.

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.